Totally Important

So huh. My father’s dead.

Dunno how it happened, when it happened, but he’s apparently dead. My mom and dad’s been divorced since before I can really remember anything, I never really knew him or anything, so it’s like getting news that my neighbor died. It’s kinda sad, but whatever, you know?

I just feel a bit bad because… Years ago, he did try to contact me. It was a message on MySpace, but then he did leave one voicemail on my cell phone after posting the number so my friends could contact me. I never did get around to replying.. I just… I dunno, why did he wait this long to contact me for whatever reason? Why would he want to? But I did tell myself that I’d reply one day… I mean, he only messaged asking if I was in fact his daughter, saying my name and birthday, mom’s name, even the hospital I was in. He just wanted to know if it was in fact me. I just figured… I didn’t have to act like we’re old friends finding each other again or some shit, I’d at least let him know it’s me. He’s my father, he kinda should at least know, you know? I have a feeling he knew in some way anyway, even without me saying so.

But mom walks in today and tells me that she received a letter from the child support people, saying her case isn’t going to be pursued because “the other parent involved is now deceased”. No real how or why, just dead.

And now… I dunno. I’m feeling a bit bad because of it. Even if I never knew him and came to accept that I was fatherless, I do remember the days where I wished I had a father to do those silly father-daughter things with…

I’m just confused. He was never part of my life and could’ve easily found a way to contact us at any point… After I was 18, he messages me on MySpace saying he’s looked all over and couldn’t find me and wanted to know if I really was his daughter. On one hand- he’s no more than a complete stranger, a sperm donor. On the other… He is my father. Was, at least.

And I just… never answered even that one question. I think that’s what’s bothering me most. Never just even saying “yes” and leaving it there. Just forever leaving that question hanging. I think the message is still even in my inbox. I almost want to reply… Just to see….